Tuesday, February 29th
I was at a writing workshop all day today. At lunch, our facilitator ends up mentioning that there was the first death in our state from Coronavirus over lunch. She says it with hesitation, not wanting to bring down the mood. We all have a somber, quiet moment chewing.
Tuesday, March 3rd
Parents at the girls’ school are wondering if their kids will get docked for tardies for taking extra time to wash their hands. Of course there are those parents that immediately start figuring out ways to blame admin ASAP to unload their anxiety. I bet admin is working on typing up the typical carefully-worded email now, figuring out how to share information carefully to prevent panic. I have the girls read a kid’s pamphlet about Coronavirus. The pamphlet says we are probably not at risk but highlight who is at risk. They seem pretty chill about it.
Wednesday, March 4th
Coronavirus is starting to take over more of my FB feed along with election stuff. It’s a little much. I talk to a friend today about everything on my mind. I haven’t really been talking about it. I start getting really emotional driving home and call R and K to talk some sense into me. Uncertainty is such a bitch.
Friday, March 6th
The small chat with clients is about the virus too. Today my client mentions she worries it may cause our generation’s Great Depression. I mull over it a little while I groom her dog. R texted me today that most of his gigs for March are cancelled, income gone. He calls me later and I help ground him because he’s spinning out with anxiety.
Saturday, March 7th
We got news today that the girls’ play is canceled. The girls’ drama department is using after-school time to record the play instead in segments. Smart idea!
Sunday, March 8th
I got my haircut today super short on one side. I tend to cut my hair super different when I feel like there isn’t much else I can control. Ryan and I go out on a date and I ask for us to go specifically to an Asian restaurant to help support. Our poetry workshop got cancelled but Ryan and I go to a coffee shop anyway and write poems. Most of the coffee shops are completely PACKED which is weird. We finally get to one only a quarter full. It’s a nice reprieve.
Monday, March 9th
We went to the climbing gym tonight. I’m starting to wonder if this is a bad idea. We are touching the exact same holds as everyone else and they can’t get washed until end of day. (Do they wash them even?) We’ve been asked to practice social distancing but I forget and stand next to someone at the bathroom sink. She smiles and starts to talk to me, asks how I’m doing. I realize I haven’t talked to any strangers lately nor made eye contact. I think I’m just absorbed in thought about all this. We chat a little about how it’s nice to come later at night when it’s more empty. Ryan and I did that on purpose so we aren’t around so many people. The talking distracts me and I’m not sure if I washed my hands for 20 seconds or not.
Tuesday, March 10th
Penny is home sick again. I can’t tell if she just doesn’t want to go to school or if she’s actually sick. A little bit of sniffles is okay, right? I need to go back to work soon.
I made Ryan change my Facebook password so I can stop scrolling so much. I can’t log in from my phone anymore.
Wednesday, March 11th
Whoa. We got sudden warning that today is the last day of school. School is canceled for at least 2 weeks. This means Penny won’t go to school at all this week. Now that her cold is mostly gone her stomach is hurting. This has happened a few times. Could it be anxiety? diet? A combo? She’s not sleeping well either so I’ve been up most the night. I really need to go back to work soon.
I have directing workshop tonight. I decide not to go forward with taking on a piece to direct because my mental capacity is just shot. They moved the showcase online.
Friday, March 13th
Ryan was able to work from home the rest of the week since the girls aren’t in school. Phew! I went out to dinner tonight with a new writer friend in Beacon Hill. I want to support Asian restaurants right now but I wonder if we are being irresponsible. We have a drink and share a meal. I really feel like I need the drink because this week has really frayed my nerves. There are A LOT of people at the restaurant. An auntie walks in carrying Lysol. Having the company helps lift my mood. We decide not to hug, bumping elbows instead like how the “cool kids are doing these days”. I text my friend in the neighborhood who is immuno-compromised to see if she’d like me to bring her take-out before I head home. I wonder though… if you can have it for days without knowing it then what if the chef preparing the food has it? Maybe I shouldn’t do take-out either. Anywhere.
Saturday, March 14th
In the webinar today, Kara mentions our brain will worry about the same things we usually worry about but through the lens of the Coronavirus. It will seem more urgent but it is essentially the same worries. I scan my brain and find this is true: My worries are essentially focusing on time & money scarcity. My worries are around if I’m doing enough for the community and for my family. Lots of threads in my thought work group are around relationships: having someone or not having someone during pandemic. What I’m seeing is everyone is suffering in some way through this, no matter what situation they are in. I make a list of people to check in on.
Sunday, March 15th
Governor orders all restaurants, bars, and non-essential services must close up. No gatherings more than 50. WTF.
***Self-Quarantine Starts***
QDay 1: March 16
I canceled work for the next 14 days because my throat is a little scratchy and my nose is runny. I’m pretty sure it’s just a cold but I definitely don’t want compromise anyone’s immune system. I thought about getting tested but Ryan tells me they don’t have enough and are prioritizing health care workers and severe cases. I’m going to try to fully quarantine just to be super safe.
We can be carriers and show no symptoms at all. The girls’ neighbor looks really sad that we won’t make an exception to let them bike together 6 feet apart. I know they visit grandparents and I’d feel incredibly guilty if they got sick because I let the girls play together.
QDay 2: March 17
I was able to get a video session online with my therapist. It’s sort of wonky and she cuts out. Her computer view makes it seems like she’s hovering over me which is a little intimidating. I seem fine for the most part but I find that once I’m with my therapist, I just fall apart and cry the whole session. I haven’t done that in a long time. I guess this is still my one really safe space.
The entire session I talk about how I’m feeling like a shitty parent. Penny is having a lot anxiety and I’m having trouble calming her down. I get frustrated. I’m trying to wrap my head around having them home all day. It gives me Postpartum Depression flashbacks where I felt like I wasn’t ever doing enough. Ryan says to not put so much pressure on myself and do some easy half-days. I’ll try that. Things are changing so fast and I feel paralyzed by the speed of trying to adapt each day.
QDay 3: Wednesday, March 18th
I decide to get the girls on a Zoom chat with some friends over lunch. It’s a little awkward because they can’t play with each other, just talk. They got used to it after 15 minutes though. L called me today with news of a new girlfriend and he’s totally smitten. This news is the best piece of info I’ve gotten in what seems like forever. I’m so happy to hear how his voice lights up talking about it. It makes me realize how I really haven’t felt very happy in awhile. I bought like $70 worth of aromatherapy products for Penny. I’m trying every strategy possible for her to get more sleep. She gets so anxious at night.
QDay 4: Thursday, March 19th
I am exhausted after teaching even a half day of home school. I’m making them call me “Mrs. J” and wearing a headband/heavy eyeliner when we are in school hours. The persona feels like improv and keeps the girls on task and me too. Plus, they don’t try to negotiate with me on activities like they would their mom. I nap for 3 hours after each day. Drinking tons of coffee. I’m just exhausted. I’m scared I might be going back into that black hole of Depression. CA is now officially in shelter-in-place. I’m surprised we still aren’t doing that too considering we are an epicenter.
QDay 5: Friday, March 20th
The weather is sunny! Thank goodness. I really need it. I go for a walk at Discovery Park and people still don’t seem to be social distancing. Friends are still gathering. I wouldn’t know there was a pandemic looking at everyone. It’s kind of weirding me out. Do people not get it?
QDay 6: Saturday, March 21st
I took the girls down to a secluded section of the beach today. We keep acceptable distance but still everyone seems like they aren’t super careful about it. We need some fresh air. I want to be by the water and in the sun.
My writing piece is performed and streamed online tonight. We do a cast/crew after party on a group Zoom call with drinks. We talk about getting together and doing it on stage live when this is all over.
QDay 7: Sunday, March 22nd
I attend an online session with Seattle Somatic Healing. In breakout session, I get paired with a girl that looks like a friend I used to have. We answer the questions “what 3 things will we do to take care of ourselves?” and “How did the exercise make us feel?” We both comment that we have disconnected from our bodies and all up in our heads. I feel better talking 1:1 not about what’s happening around us but only what’s inside us. It feels a bit healing.
QDay 8: Monday, March 23rd
I feel like I need a Zoom sabbatical. It’s like I can’t do anything unless it’s on Zoom. I tell the girls that we should make this week unofficial “Spring Break”. They’re super excited about it. I just need a brain break.
I called my credit card today to tell them I couldn’t pay. They haven’t come up with a program yet but I’d rather just refuse to pay and have cash for the rest of the month. Certainly a global crisis warrants such an action, right?
I painted a waterfall today since I have so many unused paint supplies. It turned out pretty good. So that’s something.
QDay 9: Tuesday, March 24th
Another online therapy session today. I’m trying them a week apart right now because I feel like a lot is coming up for me with all this free time. I cry the whole session again. Penny had a Zoom session with some classmates and their counselor who is checking in on them.
We play ‘Drawful’ online with sister and her bf on Playstation. We all laugh so hard with how ridiculous some of them are which feels like old times. I miss belly-laughing like that. I almost forget everything. Need to play this game more often.
QDay 10: Wednesday, March 25th
Okay, I think I’ve officially checked in with all my people. I think I am actually socializing like WAY MORE than usual despite being in quarantine. Everyone is worried but healthy and safe so far. Most conversations I’m having are 1-2 hours long with 1-2 people a day. I might just go into full solitude now that I’ve checked in with everyone.
I run 3 miles today to our closed climbing gym and back. Then I do a HIIT workout when I get home. And 5 pull-ups with an assisted band. I’m so sore but I can’t get to that space where my mind blanks out. Blah.
QDay 11: Thursday, March 26th
Ryan’s sister called today driving home from a particularly hard shift at the ER. She says that people there are dying that are our age now with no medical history. She tells us this is real and we need to take quarantine seriously. I hear Ryan’s recalling of it and I feel a little more grave about everything. I run 3 more miles.
QDay 12: Friday, March 27th
They moved the BIPOC caucus for Lama Rod (Buddhist) online tonight. They talk about impermanence, trusting the practice, and letting the earth hold you. I feel so peaceful and loving.
An infant died from the virus today. It’s probably mutating and it’s seeming more possible any of us could die if we catch it. It makes me think about if I would regret anything if someone I knew died. So I text-apologize my ex-friend for the way I ended things 7 weeks ago. He is accepting. I feel really good for a few hours because the exchange goes as ideal as I could imagine, feels like closure. Then, I feel really sad again because… just everything.
I hurt my hip the other day but I walk three miles anyway.
QDay 13: Saturday, March 28th
I spent the day rewriting my article called, “The Colonization of Fear”. I want to talk about how fear colonizes us first before viruses do. I’m trying to tie it into how marginalized communities are affected by this disproportionately. I sit in on some of Lama Rod’s second day teachings. I write down notes like “liberation in relationships” and “Alone vs. Lonely”.
QDay 14: Sunday, March 29th
I point out to Ryan that he’s doing that thing he does when he’s avoiding his feelings. He stays over-stimulated at all times by either cleaning, working, or having something in his ears from morning until night. He’s home all day and I feel like I see him less somehow. I have no idea how he’s feeling and neither does he, apparently.
A friend on Zoom does my tarot reading. The card “Ice-olation” comes up with a ice guy crying rainbow tears. It says I need to cry more over stuff. I don’t really want to.
QDay 15: Monday, March 30th
I had a hard time getting out of bed today. On my phone trying to distract myself for an hour. Uh oh, that’s a bad sign.
I tell my therapist about it. I let myself cry so hard that I’m blowing my nose an embarrassing amount of times. Some deep shit coming up for processing around my childhood, safety, and unmet needs. Damn.
I ask Ryan again how he’s feeling with some probing questions. Penny suggests he do a thought model. We do it and what tumbles out for him is he fears for both his own safety and his sister and brother-in-law who are working the ER despite having 3 small kids and a pre-teen. When he says, “I can’t keep anyone safe” I start to cry. Because it makes me feel helpless too. We come up with new thoughts to replace his anxious/fearful ones, “At this moment, I am safe and healthy” and “When I stay home, I protect people”. He comments that he hasn’t felt anxiety like this before.
I basically cry on and off all day. I’m tired. But I promised myself I would try my experimental idea of staying up 11pm-1am in my Zoom Room in case anyone can’t sleep and needs company. I’m calling it, “Late Night Listeners”. So I grab the large beer I was going to use for beer bread and drink all of it easily. Three friends come online with me (and a fourth one tries to join) and it’s really good company. We talk until almost 1am. I’m loud and happy and laugh a lot. I find that the idea actually helped me more than the other way around.
QDay 16: Tuesday, March 21st:
Three different people also communicated they were having a hard time getting out of bed or sleeping. Damn. Definitely not just me. I think I’m getting a little delirious from all the home time. Last night I took Abbey’s hand and started punching myself in the face and saying jokingly, “What are you doing to me, Abbey?!” We laugh hysterically but seriously I might be losing my mind a little already.
I emailed my clients finally today to tell them I cancelled all appointments for the rest of the month. Some offered to pay me partially anyway to help me get by. I also offered Zoom coaching for anyone who might need help grooming their dogs themselves. Hopefully, that’ll fill my income for now? We’ll see.
Shameless Jas 